THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF INFIDELITY

A friend of mine said, that these days, when he sees two people all mushy and in love, he no longer asks when they are getting married.

Instead, he asks, "when is the divorce? "

When I asked him why, he said, "Because people cheat".

We have almost successfully developed a culture of divorce. Most love stories seem to end that way.

The good news is, it's not marriage, it's the people.

Marriages don't fail, people do.

People are disappointed because of infidelity. It's not all they expected the rosy courtship to blossom into.

On that day of beautiful wedding gowns and bouquet, when they took their marriage vows, this disappointment of infidelity was not what they envisaged.

#WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH

When you love someone, you absolutely trust them too.

You are willing to overlook certain flaws and traits and you always lookout for the best.

After all, what is love without a little blindness, huh?

You are totally at ease with the person and you can't believe the peace you've found.

All you see, in the future; everything is based on and planned around this love, this marriage.

Kids, career, where to base, travel, holidays, everything is this love and this love is everything.

This love becomes your life.

Until there is a reason to be suspicious.

And like Mahatma Gandhi said, "The moment there is suspicion about a person's motives, everything becomes tainted".

Your rosy garden suddenly becomes a field of thorns.

It hurts so much because this love, this life, becomes tainted and starts to end.

Everything you've planned, every investment you've made, goes to ashes.

Imagine working at a multi-billion dollar company for twenty years and having nothing to show for it because you put all your money in a Ponzi scheme and lost it all.

It's disappointing and devastating.


#THIS SHOULD NOT BE YOU

And what if you are the one doing the cheating?

You'll probably try to make it make sense to you. You can try to look for one flaw in your partner and try to convince yourself that's the reason you did what you did.

But in the end, you will be disappointed too. Disappointed in yourself for letting your lack of self-control and selfishness get in the way of something beautiful.

And of course, there are social, physical, and spiritual consequences.

You will be known as the person who cheats.

You will lose confidence in yourself because it's on record that you have no self-control and will likely mess up badly under stress.

And what about your marriage vows? You stood before God and His people and uttered words. You vowed to keep those words but you didn't.

Is God angry? Maybe.

It's less about the anger of God and more about what you've proven yourself to be before the cloud of witnesses and how much you weigh on the spiritual scale.

God could boast about Job. You on the other hand, probably not so much.


#WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT

This disappointment of infidelity is not the kind of blessing we want. So we focus on making it impossible to cheat.


1) Stay in God. 

I'm not talking about going to church or suddenly becoming more active in your unit in the church.

This is personal. It's a goal you will keep on trying to achieve until you die.

That goal is to become Jesus.

Don't just think about it. Write it down.

Goal: To become Jesus

Deadline: Til death

How: Imbibe His word. Note I didn't say read and flip through the Bible. That's passive and weak.

Make the word a part of you. If you don't have a scripture for everything, you have not started.

Study the Bible with the mindset of how to apply to your life. You cannot be a disciple of Jesus who is not under the discipline of His word.

You are either in His word or in the world. You can't have both. Because the way the word and the world handle the same situation is not just different, but on different poles.

Work on this goal daily. Let your improvement be obvious to all.


2) Be that person

Marriage is not for everyone. It takes a certain kind of person.

Even to work in a team of 8 successfully for a week, it takes a certain kind of person.

Interviewers always ask, "Are you a team player? "

They don't want their employees to be bickering and fighting because it makes them less productive.

Teams of two can be the best or the worst if your partner is deceitful, conniving, always angry, always moody, unnecessarily critical, manipulating, narcissistic, and...you get the point.

If working in a team in your job requires that you at least pretend to be a good guy, I don't know why we expect marriage to be different.

Be the kind of person someone wants to be with for life.

Be sincere, you can't pretend for long.

If you know you morph into a green angry hulk with little or no irritation, you probably shouldn't marry. You should work on yourself first.

You have a problem with lust and go after anything in a skirt or anything with pectoralis major, you probably shouldn't marry because you have work to do.

Work on your character and maturity because you will need both in marriage and in life.

P. S: Marriage is life; they both end with death. Never Forget This!


3). Growth mindset

So you are married now, what next?

Your marriage can only ride on the euphoria of being in love for so long.

"We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." - Oprah Winfrey

You have to grow and growth requires work.

Yes, I said it.

Marriage is work too. What isn't it?

That fit body, that successful business, that silver medal, didn't come by being lazy.

It took sweat, dust, and blood.

It took discipline and hard work.

It just emphasizes the point above, you have to be a certain kind of person. A disciplined and diligent person.

What are the parts of your marriage? How do you actively plan to work on them?

Once again, don't just think, write!

List them out;

Sex
Communication
Love gestures
Money
Thought life
Compliments
Family outing
Family games
Family prayer time
Family vacation
Add yours

Where are you now in the above?

A wise man once said, "your marriage is exactly what you want it to be". You have to create it.

You can't be busy working on and enjoying your marriage and still think outing with the guys is better than family movie night.

Make a plan on how to improve to the next level.

Pick a day to review your plans and ask yourself how you can improve to the next level.

Focus on the process. Take it one step at the time.

Enjoy your journey. Enjoy your marriage.



4). Gratitude

There's nothing a little gratitude can't fix.

Don't like the way your spouse snores? How about you be grateful for all the other beautiful attributes s/he has?

Bickering and complaining are not going to change anybody. You know this. You've tried before and it never went well.

You cannot change anybody, that is why it takes a certain kind of person. The only person you can change is yourself, while you are grateful that you married that certain kind of person as already discussed above.

Gratitude is such a healer.

The more you find things to be grateful for, the more energy you have to engage life.

Take a minute every day to write down just one thing you are grateful for, and watch how joy and energy are released to you.

 It's one of the most liberating habits you could ever make.




CONCLUSION 

The disappointment of infidelity is not a blessing.

It hurts.

The best we can do is steer far away from it by staying in God, becoming the type of person who can marry and stay married, adopting a growth mindset, and imbibing the habit of gratitude.



Written by
Uwamacho M.D


Your Love Coach,
The Lovejunkie