What Love Really Costs: Forgiveness

What is Forgiveness?
There are many things we assume we know but situations have proven time and again that we need to revisit some of these things we have always thought we have complete understanding of. One of such things is forgiveness. It's a word we have heard almost all our lives. We have used it countless times but maybe have lost the true meaning of the term.

The dictionary does a fairly great job in defining this important word. It says forgiveness means to pardon, to waive any negative feeling or desire for punishment. To forgive means means to wipe the slate and give someone a fresh new start. When we have truly forgiven, we do not make reference to it time and again because forgiveness is completely letting go of a hurt or offence and treating the person better than they deserve.

Judging by what they did, we would naturally feel a need to punish them in some way but all that changes when we have truly forgiven. We then are merciful towards them. Many people say they've forgiven their partner/spouse but every now and then, they mention how terrible and horrible they felt when they were hurt by their partner/spouse. As long as we keep replaying the offence with our mouths, we have not truly let it go. When you forgive someone you do not make them keep feeling bad for what they did.


When We Forgive We Don't Punish
Sometimes we are able to get past repeatedly verbalizing what our partner/spouse did to us that hurt us badly but we still say it frequently non-verbally. That is, we act it. By our actions and conduct we replay the fact that they hurt us badly and by our actions and conducts also, we tell them that they should not expect to flow with us as they used to do.

What we do in essence is that we erect a hurdle between us and them. Then we make it clear to them that there's a hurdle they must scale before things can flow again as they used to. Indirectly we tell them that they have to suffer a little before we remove that hurdle. All this while we would claim that we have forgiven them but that we just want to teach them a lesson.

No matter how subtle the punishment is, as long as we still make people suffer for what they did wrong, we didn't truly forgive them. Someone says, "Oh, no, I'm just doing all this so they'll know I'm not cheap. I know what I'm doing. Putting them through this tough time when I make it hard for them to see me smile and relate happily, will make them value me more." Well, I do not think that's true. If that were correct, it would have been the strategy God employs. If God, the One who's wiser than anyone else, does not do that, then it means that's not a smart strategy.


Why We Should Forgive
There are a hundred and one reasons why we should forgive. Some of them are highlighted here. People get to love, respect and value you more when you always give them forgiveness. It's a simple truth. When you plant love into your spouse/partner by always forgiving them, you'll harvest immeasurable love and affection from them. That is, they'll become more endeared to you. It's called the law if sowing and reaping. This is one reason why you should forgive.

Another reason is this: We have to always remember that we're not better than the person who has hurt us. In loving people, we must always remember that we're just like them. It's just that we make a different set of mistakes than they do. We fail differently from them. When we truly acknowledge this we can then treat others with a lot of mercy because we're really not better than they are, generally speaking. Their flaws may be more obvious and frequent but we're not perfect ourselves. Knowing that we also need forgiveness, we can gladly forgive others.

Yet another reason why we should forgive is because forgiveness helps people become better. If we're really interested in them becoming, better individuals, we're going to help them on that journey by forgiving them as profusely as we can. Think about it: Where would you have been if God didn't forgive you and doesn't still forgive you the way He does? You re better today because He forgave and forgives you. He forgives you and lets you know it.

God's ever-present forgiveness helps you get better. This is also what your ever-present forgiveness will also do to your partner/sppuse. You need to know now that people are going to really hurt you in this life. Even your partner/spouse is going to say and/or do some things that will get to you in a way you won't find nice at all. But you see, forgiving them will eventually open their eyes, educate them and help them become better people.


What Forgiveness Does to You
Forgiveness helps you. You're actually doing yourself a huge favour when you forgive. Bitterness does not harm the person you're bitter at. Rather it poisons your internal environment and gives you a sour life. Health complications and all kinds of mishaps in life can even result from being bitter. Lots of people have caused the breakdown of the normal workings of their cells and organs by being bitter.

Forgiveness will make you happy and joyful. This in turn translates to good health. Somehow your internal environment affects your outer appearance. That's why the scriptures say a broken spirit dries the bones but that a cheerful heart makes a glad countenance. What you look like on the outside has a lot to do with what's going on on your inside. You look younger and fresher when you learn to operate in forgiveness.

Last but not the least on this is that forgiveness makes you a sweeter person. You see, the more you invest in yourself, the better your relationship gets. If you want to make your relationship sweeter, focus on making yourself sweeter. One of the ways you do this is by walking in forgiveness. The lifestyle of forgiveness sweetens you. As it makes you sweet that also means your relationship/marriage is sweetened.


When We Forgive
To what extent should we forgive? It's important that we answer this question. There are people who say they can no longer keep forgiving their partner/spouse because they have forgiven so many times before already. That's funny. You see, in forgiveness our mentor should be God. He never tires of forgiving us and we know that. You should also get your partner/spouse to the point where they know your forgiveness is profuse and that you never tire of forgiving them.

Let your forgiveness be limitless and boundless. Forgive everything and anything and forgive as often as you are offended. Sometimes it does not feel easy to forgive but as we practice forgiving, it gradually becomes like second nature with time. Forgiveness does not have to feel easy. Who cares about the way it feels? We do some things everyday without necessarily feeling like we want to do it but because we know they should be done, we go ahead and do them anyway. It should be the same way with forgiving. You don't have to feel like you want to forgive. Leave the feeling and do what needs to be done.

Lastly, when you forgive, give more than is needed. In fact, deposit forgiveness in their account beyond what they can ever exhaust. Practice forgiving them of things past, present and future. Think of the worst thing they have done, that they are doing now and can possibly ever do. Paint the worst case scenario in your mind and write it off. Sign a blank cheque of love and forgiveness that is big enough to clear all those offences with loads of love and forgiveness still left over. This is what God did for us when Jesus died on that cross. He signed a blank cheque we can never exhaust.

Let's consciously practice living this way. There's no greater fulfilment than the one that comes through giving boundless mercy and grace to those we love. Mercy means not giving people what they deserve. Grace means giving people more than they deserve. This is #WhatLoveReallyCosts.

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