WHAT MARRIAGE HAS TAUGHT ME

Growing up as a young adult back then at the University, I had pictures in my head of how my married life would be. I admired a couple who had their marriages working for them and knew mine would too, someday. I strongly believed that when it was time for me to get married, I trusted the One in me to bring to me my tailored made spouse because I had done all that was expected of me.

I also made sure to develop myself in the right knowledge of what a good marriage should be by reading the book and good books on love, relationship, and marriage. It was at this time I began to realize I had a strong passion to share or teach others how to make love relationships work and I haven't stopped ever since.

It's been six years that I have been married to my darling spouse and to be honest, the excitement I get about my marriage gets better with the passing years, even better than it was on our wedding day. These six years have been full of more beautiful memories than the opposite. I recently saw disturbing news on social media about a lot of young marriages been plagued by increasingly high divorce rates, and it prompted me to share this as many would want to have marriages that would last a lifetime as it was originally intended to.

"Marriage can be a bed of roses at the very early stage but as it matures, it becomes a bed of roses mixed with thistles of thorns. You decide which to take out and lie on."

No two marriages are the same as the two individuals involved are from completely different backgrounds and have different personalities and even interests but when they decide to walk the path of marriage vows, they commit themselves for life to making their marriage work come what may. I decided to pen down what these years of marriage have taught me. I hope it blesses you too.

1. You Can Have What You See

I find it interesting that our mental pictures can actually translate into our living realities. What you can see is what you will see. Yes, that which you can see (in or with your mind) is what you will see (in your marriage).

Before I got married, for many years I saw myself enjoying a tensions free marriage full of laughter and singing. I saw my spouse and I becoming even closer friends in marriage and showing each other mutual respect. I saw a home full of love that would rub off on other couples. I saw my marriage being a model marriage after which many other people would pattern their power marriages.

Friends, what you can see is so important that we can talk about this point for a whole day.  I'm not referring to what you're fantasizing about. Rather I'm talking of the pictures from God's Word that has translated into tangible realities in your spirit. That is, they have become so real to you that they have even affected the way you talk.

For example, there's not a single record of any fight between couples in the lives of those who walked with God in the scriptures. Rather we see couples growing old together while still honoring each other.

Pictures like this gave me very solid positive expectations and consequently, made me speak a certain way about the kind of bliss I would experience in marriage. Today, the things I saw in God's Word have become the things I'm seeing in my world.

You can't hold on to such things you've seen and eventually experience anything less. Therefore, ensure that the pictures you hold within you have their roots in things revealed in the book, the Bible.


2. If You Don't Work, it Won't Work

There are certain things God won't do for me and you. There are also many things angels won't do for us. We must come to terms with the fact that some things have been delegated to us by God to do. He can strengthen us and work through us as we go about them but He won't set us aside and do these things for us.

For example, with respect to marriage, the Bible shows us that building a house is the responsibility of both the man (Hebrews 3:4) and the woman (Proverbs 14:1). As in other areas, the man takes the lead and the woman responds accordingly.

So, as a man, there are things that ought to be done by the man to build the home and as a woman, there are duties that she must carry out for the home to be built to the desired taste.

The truth is this: Your home won't build itself. If we do don't work at it, it won't happen. The building is a very deliberate effort. It requires commitment, strategy, and conscious implementations. Buildings don't just fall out of the sky. It takes time and energy to erect them.

When I speak of building your home here I'm talking about practical things such as ensuring your home enjoys the needed finances, the essential spiritual nurturing/environment, the necessary emotional support system, the desired level of neatness, etc. All these things require very deliberate inputs.

It's appalling not to have a picture of what you want to build your home into. It's even worse to have a picture and think it would happen automatically. Yes, it's true that dreams come true but after you've dreamt, you need to WAKE UP to your duties in bringing that dream to reality.

You're not the first person who has had good intention but a good intention without deliberate action is self-deception.

What do you want your home to be like? Sit down and write it down. Dream on paper. Touch the dream with your imagination. Feel it and describe it exactly how you've wanted your home to be. Then, sit up and begin to intentionally build the home you have planned.

 
3. The Stronger Your Friendship, the Sweeter Your Marriage

God designed marriage to be a sweet experience. Two are better than one. The experiences of two persons living together ought to be far better than the experiences of one person living all alone. This truth doesn't stand all by itself though but it's accurate to say that a strong friendship births a sweet home.

Friendship makes marriage sweet. The sweetness of every marriage is at the mercy of the quality of friendship the couple share with each other. I hope you know that communicating (both verbally and non verbally) is what couples spend most of their time together doing.

A best friend is people who have bagged a Ph.D. in the art of communicating with each other. Some people are looking for a life partner now. They actually should be looking out for making more friends because when the time comes, it's your friend that you want to marry.

Friendship means that both of you can loosen up and be yourselves when you're with each other and not feel embarrassed. Someone you're good friends with enjoys your presence and your personality. It's like they never get tired of being with you. They long for and enjoy the conversations they have with you. Even your silence is admired by them and seen as adorable.

Sadly, many men, especially in Africa, think more like masters than like friends, let alone as soul mates. So, even when they do get married, they downplay the role friendship plays in their marriage and overrate how that they ought to be respected. They want a marriage where they are the boss and their wife is like an employee that works for them. It wasn't this way from the beginning.

How can such a home enjoy sweetness when friendship is being stifled? I wish more men can be more like Jesus, about whom the Bible has this to say,

"Now Jesus was fully aware that the Father had placed all things under his control, for he had come from God and was about to go back to be with him. So he got up from the meal and took off his outer robe, and took a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ dirty feet and dry them with his towel." (John 13:3‭-‬5 TPT)

Jesus called His disciples His friends and He proved it here by His willingness to serve them. This didn't make Him any less than who He was.

Now let me speak to those who perhaps got married and didn't have much time as friends before the marriage. There's no problem to worry about. You liked each other before you got married. Therefore, you can both still invest in developing your friendship with each other.


4. If They Don't Regard God, They Won't Regard You

I tell you the truth, it's such a blessing to marry someone who has the fear of God. Such a person will love, cherish, help and honor you because they deeply respect God and can see that this is what God requires them to do to their husband/wife.

It's important to watch out for how much reverence the person you want to get married to has for God because if they don't revere God, they will not honor you either.

Their regard for God is what will make them strive to live their lives the way God says for them to do. They will take seriously the things they discover God says about how they should treat you when they have great regard for Him.

It's an error to marry a man or a woman who despises God. They can never treat you any better than they treat God. In fact, they will eventually treat you even worse. It's God who tells us how to value and appreciate our spouse, how can they do what He says when they don't have any regard for Him?


5. It's Important Your Spouse Has Someone they Listen to.

None of us is self-sufficient in ourselves. We will always need the inputs and the company of other men. A person who understands this looks for those who they can draw some form of help from. Every human being needs another human being that he/she can submit to. Everyone needs someone who can call them and help them see things more clearly.

In marriage, the Bible teaches that as husband and wife, we submit to each other. A lot of homes have fallen apart because someone consistently just could not submit. It's called pride. This thing called pride is an issue that can destabilize a home. A proud person doesn't take correction or advice from anybody. Any man or woman who's like this is a dangerous person to have as a spouse.

Along the way in marriage, there will be the need for God to use someone who your spouse listens to, to bring an increase into your marriage. What happens at that point if you're married somebody who has nobody in the world who can counsel and/or instruct them?

I sure hope these have made some good impressions in your mind that you will hold unto. Please make it count.

Your Love Coach,
 The Lovejunkie